双城记 查尔斯·狄更斯-第37部分

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pied　state。
‘Well！'　said　that　good…natured　emissary；　after　a　full　half…hour　of　bootless　attempts　to　bring　him　round　to　the　question。　‘I　have　been　to　Soho。'
‘To　Soho？'　repeated　Mr。　Stryver；　coldly。　‘Oh；　to　be　sure！　What　am　I　thinking　of！'
‘And　I　have　no　doubt；'　said　Mr。　Lorry；　‘that　I　was　right　in　the　conversation　we　had。　My　opinion　is　confirmed；　and　I　reiterate　my　advice。'
‘I　assure　you；'　returned　Mr。　Stryver；　in　the　friendliest　way；　‘that　I　am　sorry　for　it　on　your　account；　and　sorry　for　it　on　the　poor　father's　account。　I　know　this　must　always　be　a　sore　subject　with　the　family；　let　us　say　no　more　about　it。'
‘I　don't　understand　you；'　said　Mr　Lorry。
‘I　dare　say　not；'　rejoined　Stryver；　nodding　his　head　in　a　smoothing　and　final　way；　no　matter；　no　matter。'
‘But　it　does　matter；'　Mr。　Lorry　urged。
‘No　it　doesn't；　I　assure　you　it　doesn't。　Having　supposed　that　there　was　sense　where　there　is　no　sense；　and　a　laudable　ambition　where　there　is　not　a　laudable　ambition；　I　am　well　out　of　my　mistake；　and　no　harm　is　done。　Young　women　have　mitted　similar　follies　often　before；　and　have　repented　them　in　poverty　and　obscurity　often　before。　In　an　unselfish　aspect；　I　am　sorry　that　the　thing　is　dropped；　because　it　would　have　been　a　bad　thing　for　me　in　a　worldly　point　of　view；　in　a　selfish　aspect；　I　am　glad　that　the　thing　has　dropped；　because　it　would　have　been　a　bad　thing　for　me　in　a　worldly　point　of　view……it　is　hardly　necessary　to　say　I　could　have　gained　nothing　by　it。　There　is　no　harm　at　all　done。　I　have　not　proposed　to　the　young　lady；　and；　between　ourselves；　I　am　by　no　means　certain；　on　reflection；　that　I　ever　should　have　mitted　myself　to　that　extent。　Mr。　Lorry；　you　cannot　control　the　mincing　vanities　and　giddinesses　of　empty…headed　girls；　you　must　not　expect　to　do　it；　or　you　will　always　he　disappointed。　
Now；　pray　say　no　more　about　it。　I　tell　you；　I　regret　it　on　account　of　others；　but　I　am　satisfied　on　my　own　account。　And　I　am　really　very　much　obliged　to　you　for　allowing　me　to　sound　you；　and　for　giving　me　your　advice；　you　know　the　young　lady　better　than　I　do；　you　were　right；　it　never　would　have　done。
Mr。　Lorry　was　so　taken　aback；　that　he　looked　quite　stupidly　at　Mr。　Stryver　shouldering　him　towards　the　door；　with　an　appearance　of　showering　generosity；　forbearance；　and　goodwill；　on　his　erring　head。　'Make　the　best　of　it；　my　dear　sir；'　said　Stryver；　‘say　no　more　about　it；　thank　you　again　for　allowing　me　to　sound　you；　good…night！'　Mr。　Lorry　was　out　in　the　night；　before　he　knew　where　he　was。　Mr。　Stryver　was　lying　back　on　his　sofa；　winking　at　his　Ceiling。　
CHAPTER　XIII
The　Fellow　of　No　Delicacy
IF　Sydney　Carton　ever　shone　anywhere；　he　certainly　never　shone　the　house　of　Doctor　Manette。　He　had　been　there　often；　during　a　whole　year；　and　had　always　been　the　same　moody　and　morose　lounger　there。　When　he　cared　to　talk；　he　talked　well；　but；　the　cloud　of　caring　for　nothing；　which　overshadowed　him　with　such　a　fatal　darkness；　was　very　rarely　pierced　by　the　light　within　him。
And　yet　he　did　care　something　for　the　streets　that　environed　that　house；　and　for　the　senseless　stones　that　made　their　pavements。　Many　a　night　he　vaguely　and　unhappily　wandered　there；　when　wine　had　brought　no　transitory　gladness　to　him；　many　a　dreary　daybreak　revealed　his　solitary　figure　lingering　there；　and　still　lingering　there　when　the　first　beams　of　the　sun　brought　into　strong　relief；　removed　beauties　of　architecture　in　spires　of　churches　and　lofty　buildings；　as　perhaps　the　quiet　time　brought　some　sense　of　better　things；　else　forgotten　and　unattainable；　into　his　mind。　Of　late；　the　neglected　bed　in　the　Temple　Court　had　known　him　more　scantily　thin　ever；　and　often　when　he　had　thrown　himself　upon　it　no　longer　than　a　few　minutes；　he　had　got　up　again；　and　haunted　that　neighbourhood。
On　a　day　in　August；　when　Mr。　Stryver　（after　notifying　to　his　jackal　that　‘he　had　thought　better　of　that　marrying　matter'）　had　carried　his　delicacy　into　Devonshire；　and　when　the　sight　and　scent　of　flowers　in　the　City　streets　had　some　waifs　of　goodness　in　them　for　the　worst；　of　health　for　the　sickliest；　and　of　youth　for　the　oldest；　Sydney's　feet　still　trod　those　stones。　From　being　irresolute　and　purposeless；　his　feet　became　animated　by　an　intention；　and；　in　the　working　out　of　that　intention；　they　took　him　to　the　Doctor's　door。
He　was　shown　upstairs；　and　found　Lucie　at　her　work；　alone。　She　had　never　been　quite　at　her　ease　with　him；　and　received　him　with　some　little　embarrassment　as　he　seated　himself　near　her　table。　But；　looking　up　at　his　face　in　the　interchange　of　the　first　few　monplaces；　she　observed　a　change　in　it。
‘I　fear　you　are　not　well；　Mr。　Carton！'
‘No。　But　the　life　I　lead；　Miss　Manette；　is　not　conducive　to　health。　What　is　to　be　expected　of　or　by；　such　profligates？'
‘Is　it　not……forgive　me；　I　have　begun　the　question　on　my　lips……a　pity　to　live　no　better　life？'
‘God　knows　it　is　a　shame！'
‘Then　why　not　change　it？'
Looking　gently　at　him　again；　she　was　surprised　and　saddened　to　see　that　there　were　tears　in　his　eyes。　There　were　tears　in　his　voice　too；　as　he　answered：
‘It　is　too　late　for　that。　I　shall　never　be　better　than　I　am。　I　shall　sink　lower；　and　be　worse。'
He　leaned　an　elbow　on　her　table；　and　covered　his　eyes　with　his　hand。　The　table　trembled　in　the　silence　that　followed。
She　had　never　seen　hint　softened；　and　was　much　distressed。　He　knew　her　to　be　so；　without　looking　at　her；　and　said：
‘Pray　forgive　me；　Miss　Manette。　I　break　down　before　the　knowledge　of　what　I　want　to　say　to　you。　Will　you　hear　me？'
‘If　it　will　do　you　any　good；　Mr。　Carton；　if　it　would　make　you　happier；　it　would　make　me　very　glad！'
‘God　bless　you　for　your　sweet　passion！'
He　unshaded　his　face　after　a　little　while；　and　spoke　steadily。　‘Don't　be　afraid　to　hear　me。　Don't　shrink　from　anything
I　say。　I　am　like　one　who　died　young。　All　my　life　might　have　been。'
‘No；　Mr。　Carton。　I　am　sure　that　the　best　part　of　it　might　still　be；　I　am　sure　that　you　might　be　much；　much　worthier　of　yourself。'
‘Say　of　you；　Miss　Manette；　and　although　I　know　better……although　in　the　mystery　of　my　own　wretched　heart　I　know　better……I　shall　never　forget　it　I'
She　was　pale　and　trembling。　He　came　to　her　relief　with　a　fixed　despair　of　himself　which　made　the　interview　unlike　any　other　that　could　have　been　holden。
‘If　it　had　been　possible；　Miss　Manette；　that　you　could　have　returned　the　love　of　the　man　you　see　before　you……self…flung　away；　wasted；　drunken；　poor　creature　of　misuse　as　you　know　him　to　be……he　would　have　been　conscious　this　day　and　hour；　in　spite　of　his　happiness；　that　he　would　bring　you　to　misery；　bring　you　to　sorrow　and　repentance；　blight　you；　disgrace　you；　pull　you　down　with　him。　I　know　very　well　that　you　can　have　no　tenderness　for　me；　I　ask　for　none；　I　am　even　thankful　that　it　cannot　he。'
‘Without　it；　can　I　not　save　you；　Mr。　Carton？　Can　I　not　recall　you……forgive　me　again！……to　a　better　course？　Can　I　in　no　way　repay　your　confidence？　I　know　this　is　a　confidence；'　she　modestly　said；　after　a　little　hesitation；　and　in　earnest　tears；　‘I　know　you　would　say　this　to　no　one　else。　Can　I　turn　it　to　no　good　account　for　yourself；　Mr。　Carton？'
He　shook　his　head。
‘To　none。　No；　Miss　Manette；　to　none。　If　you　will　hear　me　through　a　very　little　more；　all　you　can　ever　do　for　me　is　done。　I　wish　you　to　know　that　you　have　been　the　last　dream　of　my　soul。　In　my　degradation　I　have　not　been　so　degraded　but　that　the　sight　of　you　with　your　father；　and　of　this　home　made　such　a　home　by　you；　has　stirred　old　shadows　that　I　thought　had　died　out　of　me。　Since　I　knew　you；　I　have　been　troubled　by　a　remorse　that　I　thought　would　never　reproach　me　again；　and　have　heard　whispers　from　old　voices　impelling　me　upward；　that　I　thought　were　silent　for　ever。　I　have　had　unformed　ideas　of　striving　afresh；　beginning　anew；　shaking　off　sloth　and　sensuality；　and　fighting　out　the　abandoned　fight。　A　dream；　all　a　dream；　that　ends　in　nothing；　and　leaves　the　sleeper　where　he　lay　down；　but　I　wish　you　to　know　that　you　inspired　it。'
‘Will　nothing　of　it　remain？　O　Mr。　Carton；　think　again！　Try　again！'
‘No；　Miss　Manette；　all　through　it；　I　have　known　myself　to　be　quite　undeserving。　And　yet　I　have　had　the　weakness；　and　have　still　the　weakness；　to　wish　you　to　know　with　what　a　sudden　mastery　you　kindled　me；　heap　of　ashes　t